I sat there, staring at the nearly bare table with what I refer to as a mind-ache. What’s a mind-ache, you’re asking? Simply put, it’s slightly beyond a regular headache. There’s no pounding. There’s no blurred vision. It feels like it envelopes my mind rather than just my head. Concentrating on a particular subject tends not to be a viable option. Though, my mind raced a million miles a minute, there was no one thing that I could focus on; no one idea that presented itself as the dominant thought. The scary part about that moment was that there SHOULD have been one.
I sighed, drumming the fingers of my right hand against the table while attempting to understand the chasm that I was feeling in my chest and in my gut.
“Sir? Are you ready to order?”
As badly as I want to remember what she looked like, I can’t. The fact that I remember that my server was even a woman nearly amazes me as I recount That Day. I can neither remember what I ordered nor how the rest of the experience at the restaurant in question went. I remember making my way to that restaurant because my van was at the mechanic’s shop across the street. I remember making my way to that restaurant because I almost literally had nowhere else to go in that moment. I remember That Chasm. The Chasm that has dominated so much of my life since That Day. The Chasm that has been the source of more anguish, doubt, self-loathing and uncertainty than I would have ever anticipated succumbing to.
You see, somewhere around an hour before I found myself sitting there, fingers tapping against that table, I had been released from a job that I had placed some serious hopes and dreams into. It was a job that had spearheaded a move half-way across the state for my wife, my son and me. It was a job that I felt proud to have; a job that was paying the bills and allowing me a sense of direction and accomplishment.
I didn’t just lose my job on that day. I lost who I was.
On That Day, The Chasm attained a strength unlike any it had before… My life has never been the same.
The DJ From The Dark Side 
Wow, I want to know more!
I’ve just edited it a bit from what you initially read, Shelly. As I contemplate the message for the next couple entries, I realize that I’m going to be potentially riding a FINE line toward TMI. But, if it possibly helps someone else while allowing me to get it off my chest, so be it.
Keep your eyes peeled and thanks for the feedback you’ve given thus far.
I love your description, it’s so relatable. I live with depression and the feeling was immediately recognizable; any downhills metastasize until they feel like they’re unconquerable. I look forward to reading more!
I wasn’t completely sure that I did the feelings justice. It was such an overwhelming time and it essentially became the straw that broke the camel’s back in so many ways.
But, as the saying goes, there IS a silver lining (though, that’s a work in progress).
Thanks MUCH for your feedback.
I’ll be following along for the next two parts!
Thanks for hopping aboard.
On another note, it’s always nice to catch up with a fellow Whovian. 😉
Love the way you write… I felt like I was there, with you. Nice work!
Thanks MUCH for the feedback, Hailey!
I’ve been writing for a WHILE. Actually, if you read the follow up pieces to this one, it might become a bit evident what That Day ended up causing. 😉
Glad that you enjoyed it.
I look forward to it! 🙂
The sense of depression/grief/sadness being a chasm that opens and swallows us up in it was palpable. Bravo! You are a very talented writer and I look forward to the rest of the story.
@zentalfloss:
I’ve JUST read your “about me.” Thanks for the insight as to who you are and some of the morsels that make up the entirety that is YOU.
When I finally decided on what to write, it only made sense to figure out how I’d describe the feeling that I’ve been dealing with in some form for a LONG time. Chasm spoke to me, so I went with it. I’ll address that very description in later pieces while I attempt to flesh out the rest of the “trilogy.” Thanks MUCH for your feedback and for the compliment.
@obscureddreamer:
That Day will NEVER be forgotten. But I’ve agonized on it for far, FAR too long. When you read some of the other posts that I’ve placed here before I got into Writing 101, you can see that I do have some things that can combat that Rabbit Hole. It’s something I’ve never really tried to convey to ANYONE, so this is something somewhat new to me.
Be that as it may… The challenge is to do it justice. Maybe, it’ll help me claw my way out in a way I never really contemplated before.
Thanks MUCH for the compliment and the feedback!
In my opinion you certainly gave the feelings justice. Personally, living with being mentally interesting all my life; I felt such a deep empathy right away in the first paragraph. Your writing depicts what it’s like when one has fallen down the rabbit hole into dark oblivion, and yet the brain keeps churning without being able to focus.
Very well written!
Cataline
Seriously can’t wait to hear more
mini
To be honest, while I have an idea of what to write next, I’m letting my story pull me along. I’m as interested as you are in figuring out how this ends up playing out on the keyboard (though, “the story” is nothing but TRUTH).
Again, DjSteve: You did not disappoint my wondering spirit. You write with such passion. I enjoyed every word, every line, and every paragraph. I am sensing that you will gain a sense of freedom from telling your story. That is largely why I write: to get ‘it’ out of me. Transparency (a.k.a. TMI) has never been an issue for me, and I hope you will not withhold any good thing from your audience…
As always, I’m hanging on your coattails waiting for parts two and three. RELEASE THE BEAST! 😀 (I loved the twists you inserted in there, by the way. I did not see ‘it’ coming. The suspense is killing me!)
~ Angela
I have embarked on a spiritual journey of sorts. For the longest time, this “Chasm” has been an issue that I haven’t quite known how to deal with. It didn’t start with the loss of that job, but the loss of that job put me over the edge.
It’s time I let some stuff go and embrace something else that lurks that I’ve been afraid of. Yes, I’m thinking that part of that process will come with writing about the things that have shaped who I am.
Do keep your eyes peeled (and thanks MUCH for the feedback).
Vivid description of the headache and feelings you had. Tangible and realistic.
Thanks again. 🙂
I’m chomping at the bit to see how they will want us to handle part 2. I’ve got ideas for where to go next from here.
I agree! Should be exciting! Stay tuned!
I can feel the doom: putting everything in one basket and then the basket falls apart. Let me know when part 2 comes up.
Will do. I have a direction that I want to take. Waiting for the Powers That Be to let us know when we can continue our “trilogy.”
I am not sure I want to wait. I actually already wrote part 2 for mine but have not posted it yet. Maybe I should …
If you feel it’s good to go, what are you waiting for? 😉
Posted!!!
Your writing captures the devastating experience all too many of our fellow citizens (here and of the world) experience — one I’ve often feared but mercifully experienced only the one time I voluntarily quit a job and failed to land another quite soon. I live in a charmed world, benefitting from pro-white biasses built into our society everywhere (even where the most sensitive of us don’t recognize them), so even my depression was experienced from within the protective buffer of those privileges. Your descriptions make the experience ore real for me than I expect it could otherwise be, even after my own experience of fear and depression.
I’ve yet to revisit this for a follow-up. It actually needs that follow-up at some point.
The thing that tends to be most interesting about situations like this is what can come of the person experiencing based off their mindset.
I know I was devastated. To this day, I still feel some of the pain associated with it if I’m not mindful of the blessings that have come in its wake.
I’m glad that I could convey what it felt like. Does it do it justice? That’s really only in the eyes of the beholder, but it was a bit cleansing. Thanks much for reading and giving your feedback!